Jokes

[TedDahlberg]

As the topic of jokes came up in the main thread, I thought it might be a good idea to have a thread to share outright jokes that might not fit in over there. I'll start off with my very favourite joke of all time (so far):

A man half of whose head was an orange walked into a bar and ordered a drink. After a while the bartender couldn't contain himself and asked:
"Excuse me, I hope you don't mind me asking, but why is half your head an orange?"
"Oh I get that all the time. It started when I was cleaning out the attic of an elderly relative who had died, and I found this old lamp. It was dirty so I rubbed at it with my sleeve, and wouldn't you know it, a genie appeared before me. 'You have freed me from a thousand years of imprisonment', it said. 'I will grant you three wishes.' So first I wished that I would always have a million dollars in my pocket, and no matter how much I spent there would still be a million left. Then I wished for a splendid palace with a thousand rooms, surrounded by beautiful gardens as far as the eye could see. There would be staff to take care of it all, the rooms of the palace would be furnished in the msot lavish style and full of beautiful men and women who wanted nothing more than to please me in any way I wished. The gardens would be filled with exotic animals and the weather would always be perfect."
The man paused to take a drink from his glass.
"And the third wish?" prompted the bartender.
"For my third wish, I wished that half my head was an orange."

[Metalogic42]

Extremely relevant:

[youtube]m2a5-RrwWZ8[/youtube]

[Phil_Giordana_FCD]

The pope dies and goes to heaven. There, Peter meets him and shows him to his eternal place of stay. The pope sees a beautiful cottage, a river flowing by, and cattle in the meadow.

He is very pleased, but then spots a castle made of gold, with fountains of wine and naked strippers all around. In anger, he asks Peter:

Who the fuck lives up there?

Peter says:

Jaco Pastorius.

The pope goes: So? I was THE POPE!!!

Peter answers: Yeah, I know. The thing is, there's been hundreds of popes, but a good bassist...?

[Phil_Giordana_FCD]

What's worse than finding two babies in a dumpster?





Finding one baby in two dumpsters!

[noblehawk2]

After reading The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins, Pope Benedict has finally realised how silly he has been all these years and has decided to go get some pussy before he dies.

[noblehawk2]

Today I'm getting in touch with my feminine side...

I shall remain blameless all day.

[noblehawk2]

How come my wife finds it cute and funny when our dog stands there shagging his toy teddy bear then wanders around with a hard on,
yet my browsing history is an issue?

[noblehawk2]

"Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" quickly became a feminist anthem for women.

Probably because it's really upbeat and fun to do the hoovering to.

[noblehawk2]

Is it just me or should we all be worried that "Feminist" is an anagram of "I Fist Men"?

[Bhurzum]

I Caught my 8 year old about to steal a cookie from the cupboard. I said "I wouldn't do that if I was you" and he said "No but you put your cock in aunty Sarah's arse while mom's at work". I said "there's chocolate ones in the fridge"

[noblehawk2]

Feminists: Independent, Strong, and Intelligent!

Until something goes a little bit wrong.

[Nec_V20]

A guy was walking along and he found an old lamp. He rubbed it and a genie popped out and told him that he would be granted three wishes.

His first wish was for a palatial mansion.

His second wish was for a beautiful woman who would dote on his every wish.

He went home to his trailer park and found a massive house there instead.

He went into the house and there was the most drop-dead chick he had ever seen coming up to him to ask him what he wanted.

He waited around for his third wish but nothing seemed to be happening, so with the excitement having tired him out (and the chick) he decided to go to bed.

He was awoken by banging at the door in the middle of the night, so he went down, opened the door and outside was a guy in robes with a hood holding a rope with a noose on it in his hand.

Who can guess what the guy's third wish was :)

[Nec_V20]

What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?

Not everything that comes out of her vagina is retarded.

[Opyt]

Nec: citation needed.

[Nec_V20]

Nec: citation needed.

As with all jokes, you either get it or you don't. :lol:

[Skep tickle]

Nec: citation needed.

As with all jokes, you either get it or you don't. :lol:

Too true ;)

Good one, Opyt. :D

[Opyt]

Thank you Skep for getting it. Haha.

[Kirbmarc]

The President of the United States finds himself on a fluffy cloud. As he sees angels floating around, he realizes he's in Heaven. Saint Peter comes to him and says "Yes, this is Heaven, but you're not dead yet. God has decided to make you His prophet. When you wake up in your room, you will use your tell your people that God is displeased with them. The only way to avoid his wrath is to force one million people to shovel shit for a year. Otherwise he will send you and everyone else to Hell.".

When the politician wake up in his room he realizes that if he says to his electorate that one million of them will have to shovel shit for year he'll lose his job in the next election. On the other hand, if he doesn't get one million people to shovel shit for a year, the world will literally go to Hell. He thinks about what he's going to do until he gets a bright idea.

The next day he appears on TV and says: "My fellow Americans. I have good news for you: last night, I visited Heaven and talk to Saint Peter about the future of our country. He assured me that next year we will have one million new jobs!"

[Kirbmarc]

A father goes in a toy shop to buy his beloved daughter a Barbie doll. A helpful cashier shows him around and ask him which Barbie doll he wants. The father scratches his head: "I don't really know. How many are there?"

The cashier points at a doll: "This is Princess Barbie. A classic. Comes with a tiara, three dresses, five pair of shoes and a pony. Yours for 44.".

The father frowns. "No princesses. Her mother says she needs a good role model".

The cashier winks knowingly and shows him a doll dressed in a professional outfit: "President Barbie. The accessories include a presidential limo and two sets of sunglasses. 35 bucks."

The father is still unsure. "Have you got anything really special? Something about girl power and all that stuff?"

The cashier picks up a generic Barbie doll in a generic outfit. "This one. It's a bit expensive, though. 88"

The father raises an eyebrow and gives the doll a skeptical glance: "What's so special about it?"

The cashier smiles. "It's the Divorced Barbie. It comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's Winnebago, Ken's dog, Ken's set of skis, Ken's painting collection..."