I Turned Over A Log In The Woods And Found More Slyme

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Matt Cavanaugh
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I Turned Over A Log In The Woods And Found More Slyme

#1

Post by Matt Cavanaugh »

I Turned Over A Log in the Woods And Found More Slyme

- PZ Mires

filed under: MRAs, rapists, hyper-skepticism, hypertension, ED, hentai

I get email. Yesterday, an anonymous source let me know the evil slymepitters were making fun of me again. (I never lurk at the slymepit. Imagine how embarrassing it'd be for me to have to vanity search "peezus christ" and "PZ tentacle rape porn fan Mires"!)

It was, no surprise, that asshole Matt Cavanaugh, along with some MRA dudebro named "another lurker" who's always going on about how much bigger his penis is than mine. Jeebus -- "chainsaw"? What an oblivious euphemism!

This another "lurker" (get it? As in "stalker", as in "rapist") also keeps posting a cartoon of a chancrous, oozing phallus:

:cdc:

He obviously wants to imply that I caught gonorrhea at Skankchickcon, while playing Everquest in Becca's suite until 3 in the morning. Which is totally preposterous, as Becca was out until dawn. And though I'm not at all transphobic, and yes, all men have a vestigial attraction to other men (just like we have nipples), I told my new friend -- who of course wasn't a man, because women can have penises, too -- that I was happily married, and perhaps we should go on a different kind of "adventure" together. Hence EQ.

As fuckwitted as the endless STD jokes are, the latest slyme is to make fun of my manliness, or lack thereof. These two misogynists, cavanaugh and another lurking rapist, are some sort of macho lumberjack types, who brag all day at the pit about getting "wood" from the "virgin" forest. Which is obviously code for rape. What kind of pervert thinks of his genitals as a two-stroke instrument of destruction, with sharp teeth that rip and tear?

I have very vanilla sexual desires. I'm not even interested in seeing Jennifer Lawrence selfies, no sirree. I'm quite content having missionary with Trophy Wife when & if she offers enthusiastic consent (just one reason why my birthday is the best day of the year!) But were I to indulge in erotic fantasy, like my unnamed best friend, I'd imagine my phallus not as a hard metal tool, but as organic, aquatic, slippery, able to gently penetrate the experienced folds of a neglected fisherman's wife, clasp a japanese schoolgirl's smooth skin with caressing suckers, copulate with a mermaid while swimming ventral-to-ventral, or even just hump a dead squid I got ... I mean ... my unnamed best friend got at the fish market.

The perversion at the slymepit disgusts me.

The lumberjack-offs will have to try harder to belittle my manliness, too. I may not chop firewood, but when Tozje was nine, we took her to one of those cut-your-own christmas tree lots. Tozje set her heart on a really big one, musta been 4" diameter trunk, and I chopped it down with a hatchet. I got a little winded part-way through, and Tozje ended up doing most of the chopping. But I did offer to lend Trophy Wife a hand as she dragged the tree back through the deep snow to our car, where she hoisted it onto the roof and tied it down with all the skill of a sailor. I'm terrible with knots. I even have trouble tying my shoes, now that I can't see my feet anymore.

I also shoveled the driveway last year, that day the lazy Svensen kid next door forgot to, even though I pay him $5. What the fuck -- the fucking Svensens' are fucking Republicans, and this is the fucking "work ethic" they complain african americans lack?

When possible, on campus I park way in the back, in the second row of spots, and walk the whole 200 yards from my car to the science building. There are seven steps outside, which I jog up as I hum the Rocky theme. Unless the air is really cold and hurts my lungs, in which case I just walk up slowly with my fists raised while I catch my breath.

So, nice try shitstain MRA slyme dudes, but I'm not ashamed of my masculinity, which of course has elements of femininity in it, just like nipples, and of course is just a social construct, even though Wolffian and Müllerian ducts do exist.

And I don't need to imagine my hectocotylus as some honkin' chainsaw, like that harasser cavanaugh or that testosterone-poisoned another lurker. Trophy Wife assures me that size doesn't matter.


24 Comments

Matt Cavanaugh
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Re: I Turned Over A Log In The Woods And Found More Slyme

#2

Post by Matt Cavanaugh »

1. Sally Stranger than fiction
Typical. Fucking hate slyme. Hate.


2. Injun'i, dreamcatcher of malice
Beautiful description of two-spirit nature, PZ. e'o takuhnyu wapi mo t'aha.


3. Oggorvis, failing at being believable
This just awoke repressed memories of when I was a scout and we had to collect kindling and make a fire by rubbing two sticks together. The scout leader said, wanna know how to really rub two sticks together? Then he pulled ... down... my ... I can't .... must ... go ...


4. Ophelia Bintson
Cross-posted @ BW.


5. Tony The Perpetually Outraged Queer
I am literally shaking with rage at how these slymepitters attack someone like you, PZ, who cares so much for his wife & daughter. Their mothers hated them, so now they must violate all women, and violate mother nature with their powered penises. I can feel their hate-filled eyes burning me whenever I dare venture out onto the streets of Key West as gay POC.


6. Latwut?
I wouldn't be surprised if many slymepitters have abducted women, raped them in the woods, then cut up their bodies with a chainsaw. Or worse.


7. Sally Stranger than fiction
@ Latwut #6. They're practically confessing online with details. Fuck.


8. Theopontificates
Will Michael Nugent finally open his eyes and see the slyme?!


9. Steersman
lthgh gr tht mkng fn f PZ Mrs' xrcs rgmn s bt jvnl, wht's sc fr th gs s sc fr th gndr(1), s thy sy. prps f wch, dd nt PZ rcntly pst(2) tht h sw nthng wrng wth fckng dd squd, t s th vrnclr? lthgh hnt my b rspctd rt frm n mch f the rnt,(4) t stll ngndrs crtn qusnss mng Wstrnrs(5).

(1) [REDACTED]
(2) [REDACTED]
(3) [REDACTED]
(4) [REDACTED]
(5) [REDACTED]

PZ MIRES: Nice try shitstain. Did you really think I'd allow you to link to those hate group sites?


10. loony canuck
another lurker is dangerous, but not all canadians are chainsaw murderers. I was once accused by a girlfriend of threatening to stuff her headfirst into the chipper. Nobody believed her because she was crazy. Besides, we didn't own a chipper, so I clearly was not being serious.


11. HJ Hornpecker

@ Steerman #9

Although I agree that making fun of PZ Mires' exercise regimen is a bit juvenile, what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander(1), as they say. Apropos of which, did not PZ recently post(2) that he saw nothing wrong with fucking a dead squid, to use the vernacular? Although hentai may be a respected art form in much of the Orient,(4) it still engenders a certain queasiness among Westerners(5).

I have made a profound but rather unsurprising discovery. By applying an ingenious algorithm I developed myself, I compared cavanaugh's blog with steerman's comments at the slymepit. Based on frequency of use of passive voice and comma distribution, I have determined they are the same person. Also, whereas I originally thought Michael Nugent had been brainwashed by cavanaugh/steersman, I now strongly suspect that cavanaugh and steersman are Nugent sockpuppets.


12. Sally Stranger than fiction
Fuck. Just fuck. Nugent should undergo psychiatric treatment.


13. Shitgau
Now we know why Nugent defends rapists. Nugent is a rapist himself.


14. Tony The Perpetually Outraged Queer
I'm literally shaking with rage at this news. How soon before the irish police start discovering the dismembered bodies of raped women buried in bogs? I no longer feel safe.


15. Wowbugger, observer of all things obscure and tainted
I hope they cut their you-know-whats off with those chainsaws. I mean Literally. Cut. Them. Off. **watches with glee as blood spurts** Then they wouldn't be able to rape any more. **laughs as they bleed out and die in agony** They are sick violent fucks.


16. Theopontificates
@ Wowbugger #15
**laughs as they bleed out and die in agony**. They are sick violent fucks.

Thank you for exposing what hateful people slymepitters are. Why can't others see what we see?


17. HJ Hornpecker
One minor point, PZ. "Wolffian" and "Müllerian" are just arbitrary names assigned by a binary-oppressive patriarchy to a non-binary spectrum of sexual development.


18. PZ MIRES
I've warned you HJ -- now zip it.


19. Turd of Redhead
@ Steersman #9

(1) [REDACTED]
(2) [REDACTED]
(3) [REDACTED]
(4) [REDACTED]
(5) [REDACTED]


Citations or FLOOSH!


20. Oggorvis, failing at being believable
.. it .. was ... hard ... but I ... kept the monster caged. I just returned from the woods behind my house. There was a little girl there picking flowers. Daisies. She was throwing them into a pond, one by one. She asked if I wanted to play. I said I did. I wanted to throw the little girl into the pond, not the flowers. The MONSTER wanted to throw her in. But I overcame the MONSTER inside my head. Instead, I paid a visit to the old blind man who lives alone in a cabin.


21. Crimson Stupiditae
Virtual non-contact hugs, Oggorvis! {{{}}} You are a beautiful person. I would happily let you take my little girl into the woods alone.


22. Seven of Asinine
I too, would let you pick daisies with my little girl, if I had one. Why the slymepitters don't trust you, after all that you've shared, is beyond me. He-a wa poho, he-a wa poho.


23. My Little Pony Boy
They have no empathy.


24. PZ MIRES
Oggorvis was abused as a child by an adult scout master, who forced Oggorvis to rape little girls in the woods. That scout master's voice is still in his head, telling him to rape little girls in the woods. Oggorvis is the victim, but hyper-skepticism rules say: don't trust him alone in the woods with a little girl. Typical slyme.

katamari Damassi
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Re: I Turned Over A Log In The Woods And Found More Slyme

#3

Post by katamari Damassi »

:clap:

That is all.

free thoughtpolice
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Re: I Turned Over A Log In The Woods And Found More Slyme

#4

Post by free thoughtpolice »

Cavanaugh: I am literally shaking with rage and poooping myself!
I. Literally. Can't. Even...........

James Caruthers
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Re: I Turned Over A Log In The Woods And Found More Slyme

#5

Post by James Caruthers »

Haha, this is the best.

You should also post it on your blog so PZ can read it twice.

He's clearly a (PZ) Mirer of yours.

Matt Cavanaugh
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Re: I Turned Over A Log In The Woods And Found More Slyme

#6

Post by Matt Cavanaugh »

James Caruthers wrote:Haha, this is the best.

You should also post it on your blog so PZ can read it twice.

He's clearly a (PZ) Mirer of yours.
In a day or two. But for now Peezus, if he wants to respond, either has to admit he lurks at the pit, or claim he was given an anonymous tip about a post at the pit that has him claiming he got an anonymous tip about a post at the pit.

How ya gonna play it, Little Paul?

StrawmanSam

Re: I Turned Over A Log In The Woods And Found More Slyme

#7

Post by StrawmanSam »

Wow, this is top notch satire. Nice job Matt.

d4m10n
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Re: I Turned Over A Log In The Woods And Found More Slyme

#8

Post by d4m10n »

Zimmerman zips zebras’ zeitgeist zarzuela

CaptainFluffyBunny
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Re: I Turned Over A Log In The Woods And Found More Slyme

#9

Post by CaptainFluffyBunny »

d4m10n wrote:Zimmerman zips zebras’ zeitgeist zarzuela
And that's it for you, Daimy-poo.

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