Lsuoma wrote: ↑So, I have my first DRE tomorrow, from a rather attractive nurse practitioner. She told me when recommending I have one (I'm 60 next year) that she has a good, long strong finger. Here's hoping I manage not to do a Dr Richard C. Carrier, PhD when she presses the button.
Not sure if I've shared this before...
I was struck down by crippling abdominal pain and my innards completely packed in. I was going for 6-7 days without having a movement, was drenched with sweat 24/7 and was convinced the grim reaper was closing in. Anyhoo, after a month of this bullshit, I relented and suffered the indignity of going to hospital - long story short, I had picked up something nasty in Thailand (pun setup #256) which had caused diverticulitis-like signs and symptoms. Took two weeks of pills, weapons-grade laxatives and modified diet to get me lunches moving again.
Anyhoo, during the first 24 hours in the germ factory, I was "seen" by a specialist - a rather meaty and no-nonsense middle-aged woman in a designer business suit with a lab coat over the top. She was pretty fine looking and was wearing the most subtle but arousing perfume I'd ever encountered. Yes, you can see it coming (pun setup #162), part of her initial checks involved her shoving her finger up my crimper!
Now, as you'll be well aware, I'm not the most subtle of chaps and have the same sense of humour as a rabid caveman. As she was digging around in my bomb-bay, I asked her how many of my Army mates I could invite to our wedding? She paused with her investigation(s) and asked me what I was talking about? With what I thought was a cheeky/winning grin, I told her I assumed we were now engaged because she had my ring on her finger.
Seriously, no sense of humour these people.
To compound matters, she told me that I might have a "spasticated colon" (I've got no idea but it sounds bloody awful!) and when I asked if that meant having a wheel chair shoved up my arse, she went fucking mental.
Miserable cow, the face she pulled, you'd think it was her arse that had packed up.
Anyhoo, hope everything goes OK and you don't "gunge" the nurse. At the very least, I hope your nurse is open to a bit of mild banter to lighten the mood.
