I have nothing against the way you say things. I admit, your verbiage can be excessive, but I continue to remain amused both by your archaic turn of phrase (and yes, you are quite correct, I am a fan of such - ever since I read that Pepys entry of some Royal guests who, as he put it, 'shat in the fireplace, twice in one night!', I have been an admirer), but fuck me sideways old chum - you are quite the most astonishingly literal-minded person I have ever met. Well, okay, 'seen on the internet', but you know what I mean. Hence my likening of you to Mr Logic.
And I have no beef with that Steers, I really don't, but - god, you are fascinating. Your mind is a strange, pristine, crystalline thing, but oddly antiseptic. I do not believe you are incapable of empathy, but I'm pretty sure you'd fail one of those Voight-Kampf tests out of Blade Runner, and have your head shot off in the mistaken belief that you were a replicant. And it can be little unsettling at times, especially when you fail to grasp the most rudimentary humour. I mean, when you write, it's the verbal equivalent of the Uncanny Valley effect. I guess you know what that is, but for the benefit of those who don't, it's that creepy aura you get with figurative images of people which are almost human-like, but not quite. It's a problem which afflicts CGI images (see 'The Polar Express'. Or a rather don't, unless you want a dark, phantasmal horror to hang over your childhood memories of happy Christmases) and animatronics. Your writing is kind of like that.
A bit...unreal. Human...but not quite. But endlessly fascinating, as i've said before.
I have to ask - is poetic or metaphorical language completely alien to you? I mean this seriously. Somehow, you just never seem to quite grasp something which is even vaguely beyond the literal. What were English literature classes like for you when you were a kid? Did you find them hard going?
I mean, take this, from Shakespeares sonnets: 'Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? '
I just can't help but imagine that your response would be a bit like this:
'I really rather think that such a comparison is invalid, as it stretches credibility somewhat to liken an organic physical being to not just a seasonal unit, but a weekly one.'
Blake: 'To see a world in a grain of sand,
And a heaven in a wild flower,'
'One cannot conceivably see the world in a grain of sand, as the world is considerably larger that the average piece shoreline silica. As for the latter line, well, I really think the existence of Heaven needs to be established before such a comparison can be presented, unless Mr Blake is blowing smoke out of his ass, of course...'
Really Steers...you do make me wonder, you really do. I honestly hope you leave your body to science, because I think rich and bizarre discoveries could be made from an examination of your neurology. That said, whatever humour I've gleaned at your expense has always been good natured and I do think you're a good guy.
But in a purely clinical sense, you leave me bewildered yet fascinated.
Oh, and this is what excessive verbiage looks like, by the way.
"It should be noted that among the more alarming tendencies of those men who participate in train-spotters' groups, one will also find a complete disinclination to discuss feminism or women's issues."
Isobel Shed, feminist, 1959